If we all adopted for the right reasons fertile folks would only adopt. As it stands far less folks who can give birth, choose to adopt. I would love to see fertile folks adopt because they can pick gender or whatever instead of having. Again more kids would find homes.

Are those making the comments adopting only because they are infertile? If so those comments about those “bad” people choosing gender are hypocritical. By your logic God doesn’t want you to have kids by birth, so you are circumventing with adoption ,and that is ridiculous. You want a child. Thats not diff than wanting a daughter vs a son. One person said they would trust God but maybe still would request a daughter( ie not trust God?). The logic doesn’t hold. Go forth, be loving build a life that is as meaningful as possible.The rest is beyond our control filled with unfairness senseless tragedy and filled with awe and wonder and beauty. If you want a daughter find her. Who is to say that God didn’t give you boys so you would look for a girl. I do think that the only point is in how much compassion we can show, not what kind of God there is or is not or how much the infinite universe is micro managed.

There are honorable reasons for having preferences. Some folks request healthy kids and they choose not to get pregnant because they are olderand know the risks of a handicapped child are greater. Or carry a bad genetic trait Or they have one handicapped child and cannot manage a second handicapped child. Or they know they cannot manage a sick child without it destroying their marriage or take so many resources away from other kids that college or braces are out. OR they have several of one gender and would only choose to have ie adopt another if they can control gender. Its interesting no one is talking about Haitian or African babies–plenty of girls there.

It would seem from some of the comments that if the parent is not a theist that they have no business adopting because they are not leaving it in the hands of a Biblical God. What about Buddhists, Hindus? Faiths that do not have a similar concept of a God? Should Muslim parents not adopt kids born Christian if they don’t raise them Christian and vice verso?

What about not stripping a child of the religion of their birth just because they are adopted? We can be inter-religious here - pulling the best form many faiths, honoring them, participating in them, without being condemned by any God who is loving. Ethnic religious communities are one of the main ways adoptive kids have to connect with and feel one with their birth culture and community and language and music. Their link to the adopted culture will be so automatic and we should not take away the small threads that allow them to glimpse and truly understand where they came from.

That does not include recently converted communities to a western faith. The subtle culture is most accurately understood in its original faiths, not just its newer ones.

My brother is internationally inter-racially adopted as is his wife and as are some of my kids. They would have liked a traditional ethnic wedding but her parents wanted a European Christian one. It hurt them greatly but they complied, never even voicing their preferences. She said she knew after a lifetime of bing raised Christian that her parents viewed all other faiths as less legitimate and was too loving herself to stress her parents. They wanted a certain type of wedding to honor their own sense of loss and renewal. They can never have that moment back. Their wedding was not their own.

Don’t feel guilty because you hope for a certain child: healthy, happy girl or boy, musical or artistic, or that you increase your chances for that child. Just make sure that once they are in your midst that you love them, who they are, not what you project them to be, but whatever they are inside. That applies to birth and adopted kids alike. There is no difference in the parenting experience when we love that intimately. The day my daughter tells me she wishes she could know her birth mom will be one of the happiest days from me because it will mean she fees she can share the most intimate secret parts of her pain with me. That sharing is what makes me her mother.

The pull for your child is very strong and very personal . Looking back to see the bigger picture, Vietnam adoptions and it’s process as a whole, is not easy.

Personally, I think the biggest question is this: Once ethics are defined, how much of a moral obligation do I have as a PAP to ensure that my adoption is ethical?

It’s such a complex subject - ethics, values, moral obligation. It would be a really tough but interesting topic set to take on. Do I see a 3-part series, Nicki? Either way, all you ladies have given me a lot to think about and I appreciate the dialogue.