Comments on: The Key To Any Good Relationship http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/ A collaborative blog advocating ethics in adoption Fri, 27 Jan 2012 00:31:26 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Melinda http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-197 Melinda Sat, 01 Sep 2007 17:55:22 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/#comment-197 I almost wish we could choose an agency after the adoption. I mean, I know that isn't at all possible in any sense, but in reality, that is when we will have the most knowledge about what we need and expect. There are so many important things that you learn after the fact. There are a lot of things that PAPs need to ask in the community, of the agencies they are considering, and of themselves. This was a great question list. I almost wish we could choose an agency after the adoption. I mean, I know that isn’t at all possible in any sense, but in reality, that is when we will have the most knowledge about what we need and expect.
There are so many important things that you learn after the fact. There are a lot of things that PAPs need to ask in the community, of the agencies they are considering, and of themselves. This was a great question list.

]]> By: Christina http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-195 Christina Sat, 01 Sep 2007 04:30:44 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/#comment-195 Danesha, If you are in that waiting for a referral phase where there really isn't any news for your agency to share, I'd think it would be reasonable to hear from your agency once a month or even just once a quarter (depending on the wait list). However, if you have called or emailed them and they haven't replied - that is a problem, in my eyes. A good agency will have a policy that calls and emails will be always returned within 1-2 business days. In that case, I would probably go up the chain of command to the manager or owner (depending on the size of the agency) and explain that you have been frustrated by unreturned phone calls etc. And then ask them how often you should expect to hear from them. Hopefully that will be enough to get their attention. But if not, you can always escalate it to a formal complaint letter... or even CC the board of directors. A good business knows it's important to keep the clients happy. Obviously they can't spend all day on the phone chatting with waiting families but they owe you the courtesy of a response, and of keeping you periodically updated on the status of your case. (and if after all of that, you still can't get anyone to call or email back, I'd find a new agency) Danesha,
If you are in that waiting for a referral phase where there really isn’t any news for your agency to share, I’d think it would be reasonable to hear from your agency once a month or even just once a quarter (depending on the wait list). However, if you have called or emailed them and they haven’t replied – that is a problem, in my eyes. A good agency will have a policy that calls and emails will be always returned within 1-2 business days. In that case, I would probably go up the chain of command to the manager or owner (depending on the size of the agency) and explain that you have been frustrated by unreturned phone calls etc. And then ask them how often you should expect to hear from them. Hopefully that will be enough to get their attention. But if not, you can always escalate it to a formal complaint letter… or even CC the board of directors. A good business knows it’s important to keep the clients happy. Obviously they can’t spend all day on the phone chatting with waiting families but they owe you the courtesy of a response, and of keeping you periodically updated on the status of your case. (and if after all of that, you still can’t get anyone to call or email back, I’d find a new agency)

]]> By: Danesha http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-194 Danesha Sat, 01 Sep 2007 02:19:10 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/#comment-194 So, our agency was great in the beginning...now that they have our money and our dossier is in their hands, I can't get them to return a single mail or phone call. Do I just give up on them and assume they'll let me know what I need to know when I need to know it?? What is the appropriate response? I have been considering writing the a letter expressing some of the views expressed here, and my concerns. Is that realistic?? So, our agency was great in the beginning…now that they have our money and our dossier is in their hands, I can’t get them to return a single mail or phone call. Do I just give up on them and assume they’ll let me know what I need to know when I need to know it?? What is the appropriate response? I have been considering writing the a letter expressing some of the views expressed here, and my concerns. Is that realistic??

]]> By: Kathryn http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-193 Kathryn Sat, 01 Sep 2007 01:08:21 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/#comment-193 Our agency is really good about communicating. Our questions are almost always answered quicly and we get a weekly update, regarding referrals, travel dates, etc. This is our first child and first adopion, so I really appreciate it. They also put out monthly newsletters on the web, a quarterly newsletter in the mail, and keep up a blog, as well as individual branches keep up their webpages on goings on in the community. They really go out of their way to service their clients and make them feel like family. Our agency is really good about communicating. Our questions are almost always answered quicly and we get a weekly update, regarding referrals, travel dates, etc. This is our first child and first adopion, so I really appreciate it. They also put out monthly newsletters on the web, a quarterly newsletter in the mail, and keep up a blog, as well as individual branches keep up their webpages on goings on in the community. They really go out of their way to service their clients and make them feel like family.

]]> By: Rachel http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-189 Rachel Thu, 30 Aug 2007 19:14:40 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/#comment-189 Great topic! (how come you can always think of such great things to write about and my mind is always stuck in writer's block mode????) Our first adoption we had a we'll-tell-you-anything-to-keep-you-happy agency. Everything was sugar coated, but I never had a feeling of full confidence. I never felt they truly, 100% knew what was happening at any given time. This time around we dealt with a more no-nonsense agency. They were super friendly, but just stated facts...even if it was what we didn't want to hear. They told us the most likely and worst case scenarios for all stages. And even though I HATED hearing it...they were spot on with their expectations of how things processed and I am very thankfully they didn't blow any sunshine up our you-know-whats. Unfortunately, like many things in life, hindsight is 20/20 in adoption. Even the second time around, when I had already been there, done that, I forgot to ask important questions. I agree agencies need to recognize that PAP's don't always ask the right questions and they (the agencies) need to be more proactive to educate. All PAP's need to ask questions. All questions. Any questions. And, yes, even the hard questions. Great topic! (how come you can always think of such great things to write about and my mind is always stuck in writer’s block mode????)

Our first adoption we had a we’ll-tell-you-anything-to-keep-you-happy agency. Everything was sugar coated, but I never had a feeling of full confidence. I never felt they truly, 100% knew what was happening at any given time.

This time around we dealt with a more no-nonsense agency. They were super friendly, but just stated facts…even if it was what we didn’t want to hear. They told us the most likely and worst case scenarios for all stages. And even though I HATED hearing it…they were spot on with their expectations of how things processed and I am very thankfully they didn’t blow any sunshine up our you-know-whats.

Unfortunately, like many things in life, hindsight is 20/20 in adoption. Even the second time around, when I had already been there, done that, I forgot to ask important questions. I agree agencies need to recognize that PAP’s don’t always ask the right questions and they (the agencies) need to be more proactive to educate.

All PAP’s need to ask questions. All questions. Any questions. And, yes, even the hard questions.

]]> By: Sarah http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-186 Sarah Thu, 30 Aug 2007 12:01:43 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/#comment-186 I love, love, love your site! This is THE BEST resource I've come across in a while. My husband and I are waiting for approval from our agency, and then we're about ready to send off the dossier to Vietnam, so we're right in the middle of all the craziness. The things you said about expectations and feelings hit the nail on the head. My agency has been great thus far... maybe not giving us all the info we want (b/c they don't have it)... but that's probably a good thing. They really try not to get our hopes up about dates or specifics. This can be frustrating, but in the long run is probably best for our emotional well being. And I do feel lucky to have found such an ethical agency so close to home. Thank you for posting this information. It makes me feel a little less lost in this whole process. Keep up the good work! I love, love, love your site! This is THE BEST resource I’ve come across in a while. My husband and I are waiting for approval from our agency, and then we’re about ready to send off the dossier to Vietnam, so we’re right in the middle of all the craziness. The things you said about expectations and feelings hit the nail on the head. My agency has been great thus far… maybe not giving us all the info we want (b/c they don’t have it)… but that’s probably a good thing. They really try not to get our hopes up about dates or specifics. This can be frustrating, but in the long run is probably best for our emotional well being. And I do feel lucky to have found such an ethical agency so close to home.
Thank you for posting this information. It makes me feel a little less lost in this whole process. Keep up the good work!

]]> By: Nicki http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-185 Nicki Thu, 30 Aug 2007 01:55:17 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/#comment-185 This is a great topic. Communication is so important, as are healthy and reasonable expectations. I went from one poorly communicating agency to another and I really wish I had read something like this back then because I really needed an agency that would communicate reliably and truthfully and I had warning signs from the get-go that this would not be the case with both agencies but I still went forward. In the end I began feeling like my reasonable expectations were impossible to satisfy but now I know that there are agencies who really excel in this area. And like Heidi said, be careful what you wish for. Know that with good communication comes the good, the bad AND the ugly. It can't and won't be good all of the time, that just isn't reality! This is a great topic. Communication is so important, as are healthy and reasonable expectations. I went from one poorly communicating agency to another and I really wish I had read something like this back then because I really needed an agency that would communicate reliably and truthfully and I had warning signs from the get-go that this would not be the case with both agencies but I still went forward. In the end I began feeling like my reasonable expectations were impossible to satisfy but now I know that there are agencies who really excel in this area.

And like Heidi said, be careful what you wish for. Know that with good communication comes the good, the bad AND the ugly. It can’t and won’t be good all of the time, that just isn’t reality!

]]> By: Heidi http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-184 Heidi Wed, 29 Aug 2007 16:03:30 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/#comment-184 Our agency is great at communciating--always gets back to me asap, spends lots of time on the phone answering my questions, and provides a monthy update newsletter. Unforunately the news is always bad! It's almost like I'd rather not know. Seriously, I'm glad I do. But for once I wish the news wasn't "another official isn't signing off on this paperwork" or "new regulations are slowing things down" or "we thought we'd be signed with this new province by now but it's taking longer." Our agency is great at communciating–always gets back to me asap, spends lots of time on the phone answering my questions, and provides a monthy update newsletter. Unforunately the news is always bad! It’s almost like I’d rather not know. Seriously, I’m glad I do. But for once I wish the news wasn’t “another official isn’t signing off on this paperwork” or “new regulations are slowing things down” or “we thought we’d be signed with this new province by now but it’s taking longer.”

]]> By: E. http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/comment-page-1/#comment-183 E. Tue, 28 Aug 2007 17:58:20 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/08/27/the-key-to-any-good-relationship/#comment-183 Christina, This is an excellent topic! I wish we'd read something like this before we ever started our first adoption, because adoption is one of those things (the first time around anyway) where you don't know what questions you need to ask until you need to ask them. By the time you realize you need to aske the questions you may have already gotten yourself into something less than ideal. That is what happened to us with our first adoption. Never in a million years did we suspect that our agency would stop communicating with us once they had our money, but they did. This time around we have been quite happy with the new agency's level of communication. Waiting for as long as we have been, there were long stretches where they really had nothing specific they could tell us, but, even though the generic communication sometimes seemed like just "Blah, blah, blah," I still appreciate the fact that they are keeping in regular contact with all of the waiting families. Also, as soon as they had information that might pertain to us, they let us know. They have been communicating what is going on with our specific case on a regular basis ever since. I really appreciate this, as it makes it easier for me to wait if I know why I am waiting. Christina,
This is an excellent topic! I wish we’d read something like this before we ever started our first adoption, because adoption is one of those things (the first time around anyway) where you don’t know what questions you need to ask until you need to ask them. By the time you realize you need to aske the questions you may have already gotten yourself into something less than ideal. That is what happened to us with our first adoption. Never in a million years did we suspect that our agency would stop communicating with us once they had our money, but they did.

This time around we have been quite happy with the new agency’s level of communication. Waiting for as long as we have been, there were long stretches where they really had nothing specific they could tell us, but, even though the generic communication sometimes seemed like just “Blah, blah, blah,” I still appreciate the fact that they are keeping in regular contact with all of the waiting families. Also, as soon as they had information that might pertain to us, they let us know. They have been communicating what is going on with our specific case on a regular basis ever since. I really appreciate this, as it makes it easier for me to wait if I know why I am waiting.

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