I realize that we all come to this process with our own stories (and often, our own baggage!), but there is an overwhelming attitude in “adoption land” that the process is just horribly tough! What is our the source of this perspective? Perhaps if we would all pull our heads out of the trees for a few minutes, we might see the forest of blessings that come from getting to add a new child to our family! Wow, this is a GOOD thing, not a horrible experience to be tolerated until it is completed and we can go back to our just-like-everyone-else lives! I’m not negating the realities of waiting for a child that we already love in our heart, I’m just saying that the wait doesn’t have to make us so bitter and negative!

Perhaps if we started putting an emphasis on thankfulness - to all parties, including the country of VN for allowing us the opportunity to adopt their children, to the US for allowing us Visas, to the agencies for working tirelessly to facilitate adoptions, to the adoptive families who have gone before us to pave the way, and to one another for riding this great rollercoaster along side of us, we might not all be so NEGATIVE! Our children, like every good and perfect gift in our lives, are not OWED to us - they are blessings, pure and simple. If we acted more like we were being blessed, the entire tone of adoption land would be different.

I heard someone say recently that “PAIN IS INEVITABLE, BUT MISERY IS OPTIONAL.” I know that so many of us have been through painful experiences of infertility, miscarriage, loneliness, prejudice, and isolation in our lives. But our misery is our choice - let’s agree to choose gratefulness instead.

I just read the above in comment #14 by Christina.

Christina, the sad truth is that YOU just did exactly the negative that is the problem. Just so that you know that what you said is completely incorrect, Orphans Overseas does NOT refer ANY baby before it is paper ready. They know of the orphans that are being made paper ready for the agency, BUT they DO NOT refer till their paper-readiness is complete.

ALL of the negative I have read, heard and been fed has been either hearsay, gossip, rumor or so old that it’s not even worth the breath that’s speaking it.

We adopted from China in 1999-2001 and never, ever did I hear so much negative gossip and rumor than I have heard in the short 4 months I’ve been in process for my VN adoption. And it’s things exactly like what Christina said that start it.

For example, if I was reading that and I was trusting information I read on blogs as this, I’d assume Orphans Overseas does something wrong or unethical and thus they’re a BAD agency. I don’t know that I’d do research because already, how can I trust them? The person making the comment said so and so therefore I trust what they say.

Now, hopefully people aren’t doing that, but it’s exactly how the negativity starts…and it’s very hard to stop.

Just my 2 cents.

The result was a practice that is known to day to have had many flaws. I know first hand, I’ve had to help a child through the shock of learning that the information we had been given was false, and to help that child rebuild an identity that for ten years had been something else.

My story is one of the less glaring examples of what can happen when silence reigns. So please - keep talking! You’re not alone!

1) It’s important to keep talking about the negative things, because new families are coming to the process every day. They’re excited about adding a child to their family after, perhaps, years of frustration in trying to have that child. They don’t know which questions to ask until someone points them out. However, I also think jumping on a ‘newbie’ who hasn’t followed Vietnam adoptions for the last 2 years (or more) will help anything. Direct people to resources, gently point them to the right questions, and educate - without criticizing. Whether we like it or not, there are agencies offering things that make most of us shiver… but if we don’t educate the ‘newbies’, who are they going to choose? They’ll choose what seems like the best and fastest way to build their families.

2) One of the reasons these internet arguments occur? Pure jealousy. I have felt it while watching people receive referrals when they started the process months after I did. And I’m feeling it now, watching people leave 3 weeks after referral to bring home their child while I’ll still be waiting another 2-3 months for travel. Does it make me feel defensive about my agency and my process and the ethics of it all? Absolutely. Should I attack other people using different agencies because of it? No. But I think we should acknowledge that the feeling is there. At least *I* need to acknowledge that it’s there

“According to her, many of the children adopted by Irish people were described as “abandoned orphans” - even though the directors of the local children’s homes knew exactly where their parents were living.

She said a fraudulent history was prepared because if the mother is listed as known, there has to be a police investigation, which would reduce the amount of money individuals made from each adoption.

“If you bring in the police that means more money and more people. That means deductions and the pie is cut into more pieces,” she said.

“They make up the birth certificate. They declare the child abandoned even though they know the mother.

“They won’t tell you. They just say ‘abandoned at the gate, at the door’ and they will bring out witnesses [to verify this].”

Listing the mother might also mean an investigation into whether the parents were aware of, or had given their consent to, the adoption.

Ms X also said that most of $4,500 humanitarian aid which Irish parents are obliged to give as part of the adoption fee is stolen and distributed through the “corrupt ring” of adoption officials.

She listed those who benefited, but the Irish Independent cannot name the individuals for legal reasons.

These large sums of money for each adoption mean that officials are motivated to separate babies from their parents even if it is unnecessary.

Children can be taken from their parents because officials claim they are abused or unfit parents. However, officials receive a substantial corrupt payment for every child that is made available for adoption by Irish parents.

Ms X said false receipts are produced to show that the money is spent correctly on humanitarian aid but that it is spread among officials in corrupt payments to ensure children with forged paperwork are available for adoption. She said that unless the false bills are paid, facilitators won’t get the children for adoption - “but don’t quote me on that”.

Dr Vu Doc Long, Vietnam’s State Director of International Adoptions, denies there is any problem with Vietnamese adoptions into Ireland, although he admits the humanitarian aid is not audited.

“We have no regulations covering the donations,” he told the Irish Independent.

“Ms X does not have to show how she spent the one million dollars - it is the responsibility of the Irish Adoption Board.”

Ms X’s appointment as the Vietnamese facilitator was hailed as a clean-up of the previous corrupt process.

Adoptions had been suspended because of corruption and were only reopened with the appointment of Ms X and the introduction of new regulations.

According to Ms X, the children adopted under the previous regulations “were pulled from families”.

The complaints ranged from concerns about switching babies at the last moment to demands for extra charges not authorised by the Adoption Board. According to some adoptive parents, Ms Xs callous attitude meant she was nicknamed ‘Dr Evil’ by those hoping to adopt.

Additional reporting by

Edel Kennedy in Dublin

- Ann McElhinney and Phelim McAleer

But for those instances when it seems pretty obvious that a subject is being directed at on particular situation - such as when an unknowing parent shares a situation (in happiness!) that is grossly unethical on their blog or in a mailing list for instance - do we have an obligation to call them on it? For me the answer is yes. But it is important to be gentle, to remember that they may not have any clue that what their agency is doing lacks integrity.

If you are the recipient of such information, I think it is VITAL that as an adoptive parent you step back, take yourself and your needs out of the equation and look at the information that is presented and the issue as a whole. So often people hear things they don’t want to hear and cry “Rude” or “mean” when in reality the information is just hard to process because it is not what we wanted to hear. If there is no name calling, no accusations, then it is entirely possible that the reaction you are having is a response to information that is difficult to hear and digest and no one was being “mean” at all. Of course there are “mean” people out there but I think they are few and far between and far more often people are accused of flaming or being judgmental simply because their information is different, their opinions are different and they share their thoughts.

Although we can hold agencies and adoption personnelle accountable for past actions, when it comes to APs and governments, the goals for me is to effect future change. I’m not so much concerned about how an AP feels when they read the hard issues and how defensive they feel about them. I’m more concerned with how a PAP might use the information to make wiser choices and to expect a higher standard from their agency and the government from this point forward. And in light of that, it is vital that we keep talking about the hard issues.