Comments on: Guest Commentary: The Responsibility of the AP to the PAP http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/10/26/guest-commentary-the-responsibility-of-the-ap-to-the-pap/ A collaborative blog advocating ethics in adoption Mon, 01 Dec 2008 18:34:35 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.1 By: Robin http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/10/26/guest-commentary-the-responsibility-of-the-ap-to-the-pap/#comment-422 Robin Sat, 27 Oct 2007 19:41:05 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/10/26/guest-commentary-the-responsibility-of-the-ap-to-the-pap/#comment-422 My heart goes out to today's APs, especially the ones new to the process. I am an AP and follow the current trends in Vietnam adoptions. I think beyond sharing our experiences and opinions, APs can and should be patient and understanding to new PAPs. The adoptive community has become very critical. I wish I could warn new PAPs of all the correct terminology...it is not "gotcha day" but rather adoption day, you are not saving a child but building a family, it is bad to say I want AYAP ASAP HG, circumcising your baby boy is considered robbing him of his heritage, you dont say birth mother but rather first mother, and don't even bring god into the mix (which I am not one to do but many religious people have). I understand when analyzed, these terms may not but perfect, but it is exhausting to step into. I think everyone starts the adoption journey naive but being called ignorant and selfish is harsh. I believe just about everyone wants an ethical adoption and wants Vietnam adoptions to continue. Terms like "head in the sand" and "ignorant" is creating an "us"/ "them" environment. APs can and should share experiences and opinions without tones of judgement or criticism, afterall, none of us started the process with full knowledge of the system. My heart goes out to today’s APs, especially the ones new to the process. I am an AP and follow the current trends in Vietnam adoptions. I think beyond sharing our experiences and opinions, APs can and should be patient and understanding to new PAPs. The adoptive community has become very critical. I wish I could warn new PAPs of all the correct terminology…it is not “gotcha day” but rather adoption day, you are not saving a child but building a family, it is bad to say I want AYAP ASAP HG, circumcising your baby boy is considered robbing him of his heritage, you dont say birth mother but rather first mother, and don’t even bring god into the mix (which I am not one to do but many religious people have). I understand when analyzed, these terms may not but perfect, but it is exhausting to step into. I think everyone starts the adoption journey naive but being called ignorant and selfish is harsh. I believe just about everyone wants an ethical adoption and wants Vietnam adoptions to continue. Terms like “head in the sand” and “ignorant” is creating an “us”/ “them” environment. APs can and should share experiences and opinions without tones of judgement or criticism, afterall, none of us started the process with full knowledge of the system.

]]> By: Jenny http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/10/26/guest-commentary-the-responsibility-of-the-ap-to-the-pap/#comment-421 Jenny Sat, 27 Oct 2007 19:20:40 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/10/26/guest-commentary-the-responsibility-of-the-ap-to-the-pap/#comment-421 I am a AP. We completed our adoption in Dec 06. Viet Nam's program is almost completely different now. Agencies that were highly regarded then are not now. Some ethical agencies aren't accepting applications. The Embassy changed the rules, the program has changed the rules 2 times. I think we can give our opinion but reality is all I can tell you is that I feel my adoption was ethical, my experience from a year ago, which is almost not relevant now, what you need to bring to travel and a few other things....that are well, in the scheme of things, quite small. I am a AP. We completed our adoption in Dec 06. Viet Nam’s program is almost completely different now. Agencies that were highly regarded then are not now. Some ethical agencies aren’t accepting applications. The Embassy changed the rules, the program has changed the rules 2 times.

I think we can give our opinion but reality is all I can tell you is that I feel my adoption was ethical, my experience from a year ago, which is almost not relevant now, what you need to bring to travel and a few other things….that are well, in the scheme of things, quite small.

]]> By: Laura http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/10/26/guest-commentary-the-responsibility-of-the-ap-to-the-pap/#comment-420 Laura Sat, 27 Oct 2007 18:42:56 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/10/26/guest-commentary-the-responsibility-of-the-ap-to-the-pap/#comment-420 I could have written this, almost word for word. We're also 20 months into this (almost exactly) and waiting for a travel date. For goodness sake, I have a law degree and didn't realize that the kind of research I specialized and excelled in was the kind I needed to do for an adoption. Shameful, really, but it's the truth. We also "lucked" into an ethical agency and I fully realize that There But for the Grace of God Go I when it comes to those who find themselves with a questionable agency. Had I been with an unscrupulous agency, I would have realized it at some point, as I ultimately learned a lot. Would I have made the right decision and left such an agency? I sincerely hope so. However, it's easy for me to say that because I don't ever have to do that. I agree with your attempts to offer your opinion and experience to the new PAPs and being a little understanding of PAPs who are asking for AYAP as quick as possible referrals. I do the same. *We* all know better, but just because others don't does not mean they're unconcerned, selfish people. They really might now know. I don't think everyone is in that position, but I know some are. I'll admit that I was there, and it had nothing to do with being selfish or unconcerned about ethics. It was true naiveté. My husband and I weren't even in a hurry when we began the process; we simply decided the time was right. However, b/c of the blind, and quite frankly stupid, faith we put into everyone involved with adoption, we went into this clueless. I'll admit that I didn't even know of groups such as AAR until after our referral, for which we waited nine months. Like I said, we weren't in a hurry so I didn't spend those nine months (waiting for a referral) doing what I should have: educating myself. After our referral, it suddenly became very important. Because we've had to wait many, many long months since we received our referral, I've had too much time to learn, and what I've learned has rocked my world. I'm sure most of my friends and family in "real life" have had enough of me, because it's all I can focus on. The single most important thing to me is knowing that one day, I can look my child in the eyes and say with absolute certainty that his mom was unable to raise him and that is why he is part of our family. I won't have to wonder whether I'm being honest; I won't have to feel that pit in my stomach because I will know that's the truth. That has been the one thing that has made this horribly long wait between referral and travel bearable. And I'm fortunate. And I know it. Because again, had I not chanced into an ethical agency, I might not have been able to do that, and it's not because I'm a bad, selfish person. Ethics in adoption have become by far one of the most important issues to me. Thank you for your honesty, Dianna, because I have a feeling there are many of us in your position who are just a little afraid to acknowledge it I could have written this, almost word for word. We’re also 20 months into this (almost exactly) and waiting for a travel date. For goodness sake, I have a law degree and didn’t realize that the kind of research I specialized and excelled in was the kind I needed to do for an adoption. Shameful, really, but it’s the truth. We also “lucked” into an ethical agency and I fully realize that There But for the Grace of God Go I when it comes to those who find themselves with a questionable agency. Had I been with an unscrupulous agency, I would have realized it at some point, as I ultimately learned a lot. Would I have made the right decision and left such an agency? I sincerely hope so. However, it’s easy for me to say that because I don’t ever have to do that.

I agree with your attempts to offer your opinion and experience to the new PAPs and being a little understanding of PAPs who are asking for AYAP as quick as possible referrals. I do the same. *We* all know better, but just because others don’t does not mean they’re unconcerned, selfish people. They really might now know. I don’t think everyone is in that position, but I know some are. I’ll admit that I was there, and it had nothing to do with being selfish or unconcerned about ethics. It was true naiveté. My husband and I weren’t even in a hurry when we began the process; we simply decided the time was right. However, b/c of the blind, and quite frankly stupid, faith we put into everyone involved with adoption, we went into this clueless. I’ll admit that I didn’t even know of groups such as AAR until after our referral, for which we waited nine months. Like I said, we weren’t in a hurry so I didn’t spend those nine months (waiting for a referral) doing what I should have: educating myself. After our referral, it suddenly became very important. Because we’ve had to wait many, many long months since we received our referral, I’ve had too much time to learn, and what I’ve learned has rocked my world. I’m sure most of my friends and family in “real life” have had enough of me, because it’s all I can focus on.

The single most important thing to me is knowing that one day, I can look my child in the eyes and say with absolute certainty that his mom was unable to raise him and that is why he is part of our family. I won’t have to wonder whether I’m being honest; I won’t have to feel that pit in my stomach because I will know that’s the truth. That has been the one thing that has made this horribly long wait between referral and travel bearable. And I’m fortunate. And I know it. Because again, had I not chanced into an ethical agency, I might not have been able to do that, and it’s not because I’m a bad, selfish person. Ethics in adoption have become by far one of the most important issues to me.

Thank you for your honesty, Dianna, because I have a feeling there are many of us in your position who are just a little afraid to acknowledge it

]]> By: Sarah http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/10/26/guest-commentary-the-responsibility-of-the-ap-to-the-pap/#comment-419 Sarah Sat, 27 Oct 2007 15:15:42 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/10/26/guest-commentary-the-responsibility-of-the-ap-to-the-pap/#comment-419 Great post, Dianna. You are more forgiving than I am! We definitely need the wisdom of BTDT parents, now more than ever. Great post, Dianna. You are more forgiving than I am! We definitely need the wisdom of BTDT parents, now more than ever.

]]> By: Jena http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/10/26/guest-commentary-the-responsibility-of-the-ap-to-the-pap/#comment-418 Jena Sat, 27 Oct 2007 02:56:29 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2007/10/26/guest-commentary-the-responsibility-of-the-ap-to-the-pap/#comment-418 Thank you Dianna- for sharing your story and your opinions. Thank you Dianna- for sharing your story and your opinions.

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