If there is a pawn in this process, it’s definitely not the parents, it’s the children. They’re the ones who (for better or worse) are losing their culture, their birth parents, possibly their identity. We parents have a responsibility to these children, just like a lost child we find in the mall. We need to do what’s best for the child, even if it’s inconvenient.

Let’s think about accountability and how our consumer society works. If you found a man selling warm meat from his pick-up truck by the side of the road, and you bought some and got sick eating it, it’s certainly the man’s fault for selling bad meat. But, nevertheless I think you need to take some responsibility for your decision. Let’s say the pick-up truck man had a health inspection certificate which was clearly not earned, then you can blame government corruption as well as the man. But, you STILL need to take responsibility for your decision. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should, right? Now, let’s say the man is in a clean store selling the same meat - now you may have no idea anything is wrong, but if you educate yourself about how to shop for meat - you may save yourself from getting sick.

I am not implying that agency choice is this easy, because it certainly isn’t. Here’s the tricky thing: Agencies are not licensed based on their ethical or moral behavior, they are licensed based on whether they follow the law of the US (not Viet Nam). Similarly, BBB complaints against an agency are coming from clients who have a contract dispute, most likely not an ethical concern.

Think about this, not all complaints about agencies are equal. A complaint about an agency that was slow, or didn’t provide enough help - is not on the same ground as a complaint about an agency that threatens to sue people for posting basic facts on a blog. An agency that asks you to lie to an embassy official, is quite different than a complaint about an agency that refuses to refund money when a client changes their mind mid process. You need to use some judgement here. I think there needs to be more openness about the experiences people are having with various agencies. Unfortunately, given the state of the adoption industry, agencies have rivalries, and some would undoubtedly corrupt any anonymous feedback system that was put into place.

So it goes - before we plunk down $20-30,000 that essentially goes into a black hole - we need to learn how these international adoption systems REALLY work, so we can educate ourselves about what signs to look for. That to me is the purpose of this blog. I don’t like to see people taking the discussion personally and being offended. These are complex issues, and I want to know everything I can about how these children came to us. And they deserve us taking the time to learn.

First I want to say congratulations to you because getting your referral should only envoke happy and joyous feelings and I am sorry that is not the case for you and most likely many others out there. I hope that you did not think by my telling Jen V. to avoid one of these agencies that I thought all people should pull out? She is not deeply involved in the agency at this point and doesn’t have as much time, money and emotion invested as many other people do. I think one of the worst positions to be in at this time is yours….to be looking at your beautiful baby and not knowing what is truly the right thing to do. I personally believe both of my children had loving parents that chose to leave them in public places where they would be found alive and safe. I do not doubt my childs story (no matter which agency I used) because it does me no good to do so. There are no red flags (IMO) in my paperwork and I choose to believe the circumstances of their begining and for their sake I will convey my feelings to them. I want them to grow up thinking their birthparents loved them enough to place them somewhere they would be found. I hope you can also do this because to do otherwise serves no purpose (IMO). We all get to chose our agencies and if you are happy with your agency than go with your gut (I am not saying you should not be because I personally do not know anything about the agencies and would not assume to know which are ethical or unethical based on what I read on blogs). I feel very bad that I may have contributed to your pain and anger by what I said to Jen V and if that is the case I am very sorry. I will ALWAYS support the PAPs, no matter what because I think that is our job as APs. So if I have in any way contributed to stealing even an ounce of your joy at this time I am sorry. I am not going back on what I said to JenV, but I don’t think it can be applied across the board, some people are obviously much more deeply involved than others with their agencies. I hope you sail through your Embassy appointment without a second thought and bring your beautiful daughter home. And yes, your anger and pain will subside with time.

Tracy

As one friend of ours who heard the story said, “Aww, the mother got her wish.” However due to these blogs and hateful posts I don’t get that same feeling. I append “or so the paperwork says” in my mind every time I tell the story.

What these negative blogs and posts are doing is in absolutely no way helpful — not to the children in Vietnam or the situation there — at all. There is nothing PAPs can do to the process; we are pawns in the process. We’re talking about two foreign government bodies, one of them an obviously corrupt Third World government, and the other a First World government with its own rampant but mostly hidden corruption. If the US pulls out of Vietnam even more atrocities are likely to occur than are alleged here. The four years that Vietnam was closed — to the US only — is the result of them trying to meet US standards and finally coming to an agreement. So if you want to help the situation talk to the government agencies perhaps, but don’t piss of the Vietnamese or they will stop cooperating, and don’t rile the US or they will pull out permanently. And then you will have even less than the practically no influence you have. If you’ve already adopted, then talk to the agency you adopted from about concerns for your next adoption.

But whatever you do, don’t threaten a PAP’s moral fiber and humanitarian ethics. You — and you know who you are, and anyone reading these can tell who you are — have ruined for us, and other present and future APs who are unfortunate enough to be forwarded these links, the story and history that we will one day hand down to our child. I’m sure my anger and cynicism will fade over time, and I will truly be able to tell my daughter, with a good conscience, that the papers we received are the history of her coming to us.

Some of you have taken changes in the system, and evidence of that, and blown up and fabricated a worst-case-scenario horror story for everyone ELSE adopting right now. And meanwhile you have your babies safely at home — which you should be caring for instead of writing these hateful blanket statements judging others. And to even suggest that someone pull out of the process and switch to your holier-than-thou agencies has got to be one of the most hurtful and, hopefully unintended, evil things to suggest. How dare you?! You haven’t the slightest knowledge of what is going on IN Vietnam. NOIDs are being handed out left and right to agencies. In my opinion, to slow down the process and require a better paper trail so as to achieve better oversight, WHICH IS A GOOD THING. And my bet is all the agencies will get at least one at some point as well.

We did the research and due diligence in advance, and believe as much as anybody that our agency is honest and true to their humanitarian goals, and I know how much overall good they do in Vietnam. I am sure as hell-fire not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater and turn my back on them because of a misfiled piece of paperwork in thousands of adoptions over the years. To suggest so is absurd, to say the absolute least.

It is infuriating that these people, whose agencies’ have not yet been called into question have the gall to question the ethics of people who up until this moment have fully believed their agencies to be above-board — when the NOIDs have only been issued in the last month after years and years of operations without questions of integrity. To do so is presumptuous, illogical, unfounded, hurtful, and judgmental.

So thank you for taking a huge chunk of the possible joy of of receiving the referral for our first child. But believe me, I am still overjoyed.

Best of luck to you and your family.

This is so hard for me to post to since everytime I write it I feel like I am sounding cold and uncaring. I would never want to adopt a child that was taken from it’s parents or bought (although I don’t support this practice in any way because I think it exploits the birth parents living conditions, if the parent were giving up the child anyway and money was not an issue I would not have a problem with them getting some kind of money. Not as an incentive, but much along the lines that you said, a few even hundred dollars could make a world of difference for one of these families (and is a drop in the bucket compared to what we paid) and if it meant their lives were improved and they did not have to make the decision to place or abandon another child up for adoption I would support that). But I came to IA to build MY family, if my only desire were to keep children and birthparents together I could do that in many many ways through different organizations-it would even be needed here in the United States. We have always felt our children needed homes and we needed them, so it was a win-win situation. We have never felt like they were the lucky ones to be adopted, we have been blessed that both China and Vietnam have opened up their country to allow us to adopt their children. I am not one of those people that feel adoption is the last best option for children. I feel (in all countries) if a parent does not want to or is not able to parent a child (for economic/emotional/social etc) reasons that that child may be better off in a home that can better provide for them. I do NOT feel like just because we have more money in America we can do a better job or we are entitled to their children, but as a mother, if I knew my child was going to not have enough to eat, not have access to health care or not have a safe warm dry to place to sleep at night, I would want more for them and for many people (IMO) think they are giving their child a gift by giving them up for adoption. I wish the agencies would funnel more money into the local economies so people did not have to make these decisions, it’s a horrible thing for a parent to have to do. But what is an even worse tragedy (IMO) is a child that has to grow up in an orphanage without a family if they could be adopted into a loving home (in their own country or ours).

I know that isn’t what many many people on this board feel and I don’t think we are entitled to any countries children just because they are poor, but I also think most people are turning to adoption to fill a place in their family that supporting a birth parent/child relationship will not fill.

Tracy