I can probably give birth to a child. My doctor thinks so. Instead, my husband and I opted to build a family based on a simple desire love and embrace a child that might needs us who is already on this planet. It wasn’t a requirement that our biology be involved. After studying my own “family of origin” genetic shortcomings in therapy for a while now, I get on a very deep level how comforting growing up with my bio. parents was for me. LUCKILY . . . . my grandmother raised me for the first several years of my life. Silly me! I always thought myself blessed that she wanted me, but don’t go by me . . . . I’m weird that way! I expect others who did not grow up in their biological parents’ homes might feel quite differently and as independent, free-thinking people, they are entitled. Oh . . . we have listened patiently as our friends/family have regaled us with comments about how wonderful we were for “saving” a child needing a home. We politely and respectfully assured them that we feel it the other way around. We do not require or feel it appropriate to be “honored” with those comments. The thought of a little person joining our lives and us building a future together was more than we feel we deserve and are grateful for the opportunity to share our love and life.

Shortly after beginning our journey to adoption, I kept running into people that would have me believe we were beyond selfish b/c we wanted to adopt to build our family. As if we were self-absorbed baby thieves ripping an innocent from the breast of his/her mother and from the country that would sustain them. How dare we open our hearts and world to drag this child from its roots and force ourselves on him/her as loving parents.

I must say my gaping mouth hasn’t closed yet. I have a few friends that were adopted. Before adoption ever became a possibility for us, we all have had several conversations about their experiences. NOT ONE has EVER talked about their anger at their adoptive parents about their identity or history being taken. I have listened on several occasions while they share their hurt, some past . . . others current, about being “given up”. However, without exception, all of them were happy that they knew their adoptive parents loved them regardless of whether or not they knew anything about their origin. I don’t think my friends are the exception in how they see things or how they feel. But then again . . . . you can’t go by me . . .. I was thoughtless enough to think adopting a child would be a beautiful expression of the love we have to offer and are willing to give in abundance to a precious child that needs it.

Having said that, after months of reading and/or experencing “facts”, assumptions, opinions, news releases, blogs from adoptees, blogs from parents who have their adopted children home, government office emails passing the buck, witch hunts and babbling BS from 100 different directions, I have come to the conclusion that since there is no way to adopt a child and feel good about it, that perhaps I should reconsider and be childless, lest I offend anyone or have my child blogging about how badly we suck because we didn’t do enough to find their birthparents and support them in keeping them.

God Bless the estimated 100-200 million orphans in the world. I hope someone can help them find the people who gave birth to them or are their extended biological families and reunite them. That seems to be the only way to make some people content. I have kept quiet about my feelings about the issues in VN for quite some time and I truly wish this comment was not so emotionally charged, but alas I am human and I think I have had enough fighting in order to make a home for a child.

Excuse me . . . I need to go give very serious thought to tearing down the crib my husband just put together last week.

P.S. My parents did not make an adoption plan for me. After tallying up my therapy bill, perhaps they should have. I would have loved to have a woman like me for a mother.

P.S.S. None of what I have written here should be misconstrued as a support of unethical adoptions. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just don’t buy that the delays that several entities have tried to shove down our throats are due to an attempt to “protect the children”. The children in countries that are more developed and have an economic relationship with the US don’t seem to “require” the same scrutiny. Surely, we do not believe that there is no corruption there, do we?

http://ethnicallyincorrect.wordpress.com/2008/02/10/operation-identity/

Before I start, let me state that I believe with all my heart that all adoption - domestic or international - should be conducted in an ethical manner. We should protect the rights of everyone - birth parents, children, and adoptive parents.

Absolutely every child should be raised in an intact family of origin. Unfortunately lots of children don’t have that option, including many born here in the US. My eldest, a now-30-YO daughter born to me, didn’t have it either - her father and I divorced when she was 10.

Having said that, I do respectfully have a different point of view than many here.

First of all, favorably comparing what is now being attempted in VN with what happened in Cambodia should make anyone truly interested in the welfare of children shudder. The new oversight in Cambodia was so effective that it shut down ALL adoptions from that country. So all the infants and children in orphanages - for whatever reason - have NO chance of being adopted.

Secondly, these are third world countries! Americans continually try to impose our value system on other nations, societies and religions. We cannot expect their governments to have the oversight that ours does. We do not understand how extraordinarily wealthy we are. We have resources to expend on oversight that many poor nations do not.

Nor can we expect the birth parents to necessarily mourn the loss of their children the way we would. My son was reliquinshed by his birth parents - he was child #8, and sickly. His mother was pregnant with child #9 because she would not use birth control as it was against the dictates of the Church. The State took him and tried to find extended family members to take him. No one wanted him. And him knowing this would help him HOW? My daughter was abandoned merely because she was born with six fingers on each hand and six toes on one foot. It was believed that she was inhabited by evil spirits. There was only one nanny at the orphanage who would even care for her. This is useful information for a child?

The assumption here is that the abandonments and/or reliquishments were done out of love. That is an enormous assumption that frequently only increases the heartache of the adoptee. Many adult adoptees have searched far and wide for their birth parents only to be rejected once again by those parents.

While this is considered heretical, I am not at all convinced that emphasizing the child’s country of origin is necessarily beneficial. Both of my children have always known they were adopted, and where they came from. It’s pretty obvious anyway since they both have black hair, dark eyes and dark skin, and I’m about as blond as you can get. However, their hometown is a small town in central Maine, not Bogota or Phnom Penh. I am their REAL mother. I am very conscious of the hole that is deep within each of them - everything is different, including the very air they breathe. But for both of them the fact that they were born someplace else is just part of the background of their lives, like the fact that their grandfather is blind or they have an older sister who is not adopted and half Italian-American. My son has never asked for more information about his country of birth. Maya is curious about Cambodia, but in the same way she’s curious about rainbows and the human body.

I am extremely grateful to the women who bore my children - without them I would not have the gift of my truly amazing son and daughter. But the fact is that Joe and Maya are now AMERICANS - not Colombian or Cambodian. I WILL NOT feel guilty for giving them a far better life than they otherwise would have had.

Feeling guilty about that which we cannot change doesn’t help us or our children.

OK, I’ll get off my soapbox now!

“you were not born of my body, but you were born of my heart”

The idea of not having any information at all scares me a little. I don’t know yet where I would turn for answers when he poses those difficult questions. But now, I have something to think about and to prepare for. Though I would always prefer a child with some history of his own.