As a person who can understand WHY people want to adopt, yet as a person who wants all international adoption to END, I’ve found this thread to be very interesting.

It’s interesting because this is a website devoted to integrity and ethics in adoption, and yet it still reflects all the divisiveness of the adoption issues at large. It’s also always interesting to me when children who were once so coveted and sought out grow up to be a source of discomfort and conflict.

Like most of the parents here, my views about adoption began to turn upside down only as I learned more about how it was conducted and as I explored the motivations behind its genesis. It’s not a pretty picture beneath its top layer. The deeper I explored, the more outraged I became. Is this angry adoptee syndrome a popular phenomenon? No. It does not reflect the majority of adoptions (though I do believe time brings us all closer to these revelations). I believe it is a parallel path to those who are willing to ascribe to ethical adoptions, which also do not represent the majority of adoptive parents. Both positions are the result of a deeper exploration and a belief in social justice and personal responsibility. These positions are not set, but are a journey, as we all are seeking the truth.

Rachael, I agree with you that there is no room for (or value in) blame or assumptions or pre-judging. Especially when what’s done is done. However, more fundamental to all adoptions are the issues of desire, entitlement and all the dark alleys that can lead people down. As a broad generalization, the distinctions between ethical adoptions and the status quo often stop here.

For me, as an idealist who wants to promote the idea of village (a more expanded definition of family in a social context) and the exploration of what a genuine parent is, I don’t feel adoptions are a necessary legal construct. However, as a pragmatist, I feel I must address adoption on two fronts: Support for social services in source countries to eliminate the need for adoptions, and support for the children who have already been adopted. By support for social service in source countries, I believe most adoptions are unnecessary and very correctable if we threw as much energy into caring for one another as we throw energy into rescuing children of the aftermath of not caring for one another. By support for the children who have already been adopted, I mean helping children by helping their adoptive parents provide a more meaningful parent/child relationship. What’s done is done and I want to spare other adopted children the suffering us older adoptees had to endure at the hands of our well meaning (by their estimation) parents.

At the essential core of both fronts is the surgery that is executed for adoption to take place, and the participation of institutions or individuals in that wound. What is frustrating is that the majority of potential and already adoptive parents reject acknowledging their participation in that reality. Because these issues are so fundamental to the relationship of adopted child and parent, the denial of or unwillingness to admit their role in this surgery can lead to an unbridgeable gap of mistrust, a gap that young children are unable to verbalize. The ends do not always justify the means. If the means were ugly, but only the beauty is promoted, then children are taught that their parents are hypocrites that can’t be trusted to be honest. This lack of trust prevents adoptee relationships with their adoptive parents from fulfilling its potential for depth and meaning.

And the means does not only include adoption agencies and countries. It starts with each person, and what set them on the road to adoption in the first place. Too often progressive adoptive parents wear the mantel of truth yet still exhibit their underlying entitlement. I will put forth that adult adoptees have hyper awareness of this when it occurs. There doesn’t seem to be any good way to point out when entitlement is showing without appearing accusatory.

When you hear the “anger” or frustration in the adoptee voice, it is because we are always trying to have a conversation with people closed to any real discourse when it does not validate what they have put so much energy into building. So please be understanding and patient when you deal with adoptees – the frustration and isolation of voicing an unpopular opinion and repeatedly talking to deaf ears can make our voices shrill.

Mirah, on the other hand, I think that it does not do our cause any good when we try and hammer home our viewpoints, however well argued. This is because there are too many iterations of the adoption scenario and because the ten arguments we may have do not apply to the 15 reasons people adopt. I understand your frustration that, despite being about integrity and ethics, this site is still advocating adoption, and more radical than that, international adoption. Yet – I think our energies can be spent better eliciting allies at places such as this. We don’t necessarily need 100% support. An inroad is an inroad. A little enlightenment is still an improvement and progressive. We need thoughtful parents, like the ones who come here, to help us re-frame the dialog with the rest of the adopting world. We can not do this alone. We need to recognize those that are on this path are heading somewhere positive, just as they need to recognize that our perspectives are valuable, even if they hurt.

Me, I’m a pragmatist.

I see adoption as a great experiment gone horribly awry. I feel we can all learn from each other and all work together to stop the mistakes of the past from continuing to be perpetuated. It is my sincerest hope that for every adoption that goes through, x+ families are assisted to stay together. We should ALL work towards the elimination of the need for adoption. Hopefully we can all agree that the need for adoption is messed up, that there are things we can work together on to eliminate this need, and that reform is a beautiful thing.

I would hope all of you can join me in open forum, enlightening popular culture as to the complexities and consequences of adoption. I would hope everyone can take what you’ve learned and broadcast it OUT to those that know little about adoption and do what we can to minimize the damage that can happen when people jump into something with simple and reckless abandon. I commend you all for pausing to think and choosing this path. Now that you’re on this path, I hope you don’t stop – but continue on – with me – working for social justice and – with yourselves – doing the hard self analysis.

For the kids

In the U.S. we have what are essentially two adoption systems: the foster care system and the private adoption system, both of which have their own challenges and flaws. The international adoption scene ALSO has its flaws. Nothing is perfect. But know that domestic adoption is NOT a panacea.

I also take issue with the “be honest with yourself, everyone wants to have a biological child as their first option” statement (that I paraphrased). I think I am pretty darn honest, and no, that is not our first resort. That is our PLAN B to have biological children.

A little advice: Don’t judge. You may have the most well-resesarched book on this topic, but to sit and smugly judge others for their choices and decisions completely negates the value of any research you’ve done.

Best wishes.

It will be available online in full shortly through the Brandeis website.
Yes: Facts are facts. Some we may not like. As journalists, our job is to report them and hope that exposing the truth will help some clarify their decisions. Al Gore and others promote environmental action by exposing “inconvenient truths.” People can chose to deny the facts, ignore warnings about ice caps melting – even find false “profits’ to tell them just the opposite – or the benefits of the end of days. Others feel overwhelmed or helpless to do anything to stop it…or they can chose to make whatever small changes in their lifestyle they chose to make to reduce their own carbon footprint.
Tracy and Kelly agree there are problems. All who investigate adoption in the future need to decide to be part of the problem or part of the solution. It’s a choice.
I do not agree that adopting from foster care is hard or harder, or criteria are stricter or any such. I know same sex couple who have successfully done foster-to-adopt. And even if it is – is adopting something you are choosing to do because it is ‘easy” or because it is right?

Here’s an article hot off the presses:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/11/07/AR2008110702807.html Adoption’s Numbers Mystery By Jeff Katz
“The latest study, released in August, found that nearly 600,000 women are seeking to adopt children they do not know….Each woman in the National Survey of Family Growth who is seeking to adopt was asked about the characteristics of the child she would “prefer” to adopt or would “accept.” The answers are eye-opening when compared with the facts that Health and Human Services has made public about the children waiting to be adopted. Consider:
· 521,400 survey respondents said they would adopt a black child. In fact, there were 41,591 black children in foster care waiting to be adopted — or, 12.5 prospective parents for each waiting child.
· 351,600 respondents said they would adopt children ages 6 to 12. There were 46,136 children ages 6 to 12 in foster care — or, 7.6 prospective parents for each waiting child.
· 185,400 said they would adopt a child age 13 or older. There were 30,654 children age 13 or older in foster care — or, six prospective parents for each waiting child.
“Additionally, 181,800 respondents said they would adopt children with severe disabilities, and 447,000 said they would adopt two or more siblings at once.”
YET…129,000 children in foster care who COULD be adopted are NOT!

PLEASE TELL ME WHY?

I hope you can see on thing, if nothing else. This is not just “some lady with a book” trying to cash in saying this. Again – you may not like the facts. I don’t blame you. They are UGLY and reek of prejudice and elistism…and yes of entitlement to a child without risk of their birthmother being anywhere near by to interfere, as told to me by adoptive mothers of international adoptions. You may not like them, but they are the facts!
Read Smolin. read Roselie Post…educate yourself – or keep your head in the sand..yur choice.

I thank you for your honesty and openness with such personal experiences. I am truely sorry for your situation. It really sounds like you have been through much heartache in life. I don’t presume to know exactly what you have been through but your words are profound and full of sadness. From what you post, it sounds like you have had many difficult moments in life-many resulting from your adoption and it appears many resulting from other reasons beyond the adoption.

While, I completely appreciate your words describing your situations…I also would guess that there are adult adoptees who possibly feel differently. I would love to hear from them as well. I am sure that there are adoptees who felt love and comfort from thier adoptive family. I’m sure most (if not all) of them have curiosity about their birth families (as do most domestically adoptive adults do as well). I think adoption in any form creates curiosity and wonder from the adoptee. But, I do agree that international and/or transracial adoption can create more difficult situations.

Personally, I can’t speak for other adoptees or for you and I would never attempt to. However, I can say that my birth father left my mother when I was very young (2 or 3) and I have only spoken with him once. I sometimes wonder about him-but I felt love and support from my stepfather (who eventually adopted me after he married my mother). So, I have a very SMALL understanding of what you feel. But, it is nowhere near your experiences and I wouldn’t campare them at all. I only bring it up to say that I understand (a tiny bit).

Again, I appreciate your openness and honesty. It is my hope that you find happiness and are able to fill the void in your life.

Take care!

A. I have a Korean adoptee friend who was adopted at 9 and fully aware of the impact of her adoption. She preferred growing up with others in a shared circumstance, rather than being isolated in a new and foreign country. She had happiness and solidarity at the orphanage. She had only herself in North America. The isolation of our experience is the hardest part to bear.

Myself, I can not answer what-if questions. My life has been full of tragedy, and if I dwelt upon what-if’s I would be rendered incapacitated to live in this world. I try to address this hand I’ve been dealt with, with as much grace as possible. It is not easy, because I’ve been dealt a particularly lousy hand. I certainly won’t be grateful for being spared from an unknown what-if either.

I often fantasized I was in an orphanage playing with other children as I was growing up. Every adoptive parent means well and likes to think they will be an improvement to their kids lives. However, the parent’s perceptions don’t always match what we kids experience. Despite the higher mandate to provide the disadvantaged child with a better life than it had before, that mandate is poorly understood, implemented and enforced. My parents felt they were good parents, but I will never be grateful. You can read my story here:

http://adoptionsurvivor.wordpress.com/2008/10/06/anger-guilt-and-the-grieving-adoptee/

I worry about meeting my birth mother and what I will tell her when she asks about my better life she gave me up for. Like beauty, it is in the eye of the beholder. And even if I wasn’t abused, I think I would question whether our culture or our society is really any better than the one I was saved from.

Q. Your adoptive mother obviously provided well for you (it is evident in your writing style, and obvious education). Would you have rathered she not have adopted you?

A. My adoptive father was a music teacher, my mother a housewife. They were educated, but not critical thinkers. My brain has always worked differently than everyone in my household. I drew. They played music. As a child I spoke in metaphors because I thought in metaphor. They could never understand what I was saying because their ability to derive meaning from a metaphor was non-existent. It is a lonely place to be when you are raised by people so radically different than you.

You will find many adoptees are excellent writers. There are so many things we are not free to express as we are growing up, that the words just incubate, waiting for the right time and place to be be born.

I became an at-risk teenager and even ended up in remedial classes. I left home at 17, dropped out of school at one point, though I did graduate. I married what would become an alcoholic, and did not return to school until I was a divorcing welfare mom. I excelled at my university and even got accepted to Yale. Today I reject my degree and choose to live as simply as I can.

There is more to life than success. Filling in the years that were taken from me and erased, searching for the beginning of my story, starving for just one face that reflects me has become a yearning that some days seems to drive all I do. I suppose it is not unlike the yearning of a barren woman. Only my identity was mine to begin with, so I am reclaiming something taken from me. My first three years formed me, don’t you think they didn’t. That experience is like the word you can’t remember, the idea you can almost put your finger on, the deja vu that makes you pause and wonder about other lives. For adoptees, that’s not just speculation. It is the vestiges of an imprint.

I know many of my troubled years were a result of being abused, adopted, inter-country, and transracial. It wasn’t until I reached my forties that the deeper impact and implications of abandonment and adoption reared their ugly head. As I said before, being severed from your identity by international adoption is surgery. On top of the wound of abandonment, which may never heal. Clearly, my life has not been better or any worse than had I stayed in Korea. But I talk to non-abused adoptees, and except for the added complication of abuse, we all are profoundly impacted. I won’t call this damage, though damage is there. I think we’ve just been forced to deal with a lot of things the majority of people have never had to deal with in places the majority of people have never had to walk. You can’t get much more profound than identity.

Coming to America did not bring me any distinct advantages that I can appreciate. Korea, the country of my birth, is an educated nation and now a first world economy. And, as prosperity has increased, so too have the conditions and regard for its women. I am researching my birth country and find many elegant things about it that belie its marginalization I have been taught to think of as a westerner.

http://holtsurvivor.wordpress.com/2008/10/19/the-han-of-being-kyopo-or-korean-interrupted/

I am moving to Korea in February and will establish residency there as I search for my birth family. It is true I probably had more opportunities here. But opportunities do not always equal happiness. I feel, I feel as if my path has been interrupted by adoption. Like it’s taken forty years to find my bearings and find my way back home.

Yes. I’d rather I not been adopted.

I do have one question for her though. While you share your feelings of loss as an international adoptee, would you rather had remained in an orphange for your entire childhood? I’m sure you would have much rather remained with your birth family in your birth country (and I do feel like I understand it). But what if you were one of those children who became an orphan by true means and no other family in your own country was able to adopt you? Would you have preferred to remain in an orphange in your birth country for your childhood as opposed to being adopted internationally?

I am not asking this question to offend you or make you angry. I truely want to know your feelings on it. My intentions are pure–I am not trying to ignite a firestorm–I am truely interested in your feelings. Since I don’t personally know an adult international adoptee I value your response.

Your adoptive mother obviously provided well for you (it is evident in your writing style, and obvious education). Would you have rathered she not have adopted you? I’m confused….I really want to adopt a child and I really do want all view points. Your oponion is important and worthy of sharing with those of us now looking in other directions.

“As much as we all agree that children with medical issues have true and immediate needs, the reality is that each additional case that comes down the pipeline will only serve to slow down the work of implementing a new and better agreement. ”

This seems to me to be saying that the governments should ignore the very real, immediate, and completely verifiable needs of special needs children, some of whom have already been matched and are just waiting for their new families to come and get them and provide them with the medical care and attention they need, so the governments can work on restoring the adoption system in Vietnam for the benefit of all potential children who wait and not only the special needs children.

As a parent to a special needs child, I can attest that choosing to adopt a special needs child is not a decision that is lightly undertaken. Much thought and research goes into understanding if one is able to parent and provide the needed medical care a special needs child requires. Much professional medical consultation is done before accepting the referral of a special needs child. My son who has special needs was adopted from China. Brian Stuy, who is rather an authority on the behind-the-scenes happenings of Chinese adoption, states frequently on his blog that the special needs children in China are truly in need of homes. Special needs adoptions have a significantly less chance of being tainted by corruption because there are many more special needs children who need homes than there are homes for them worldwide. The medical insurance system in China, and I’m sure in Vietnam, is not so that the average family can afford to provide the medical care required for these unfortunate and lovely children who have such potential. There is also more of a bias by some or possibly many (but certainly not all) Chinese people against children and people with visible physical differences, be the family labeled unlucky or what have you.

The suggestion that the corruption which taints non-special needs, infant, Vietnamese adoptions could find its way into special needs adoptions, is not completely unfounded, however, it is not likely. The reason why is because there are not that many people who willingly choose to adopt children with limb differences, children that will require several surgeries, children with hepatitis that is spreadable through blood and have significant issues with disclosure and discrimination, etc. The United States is a nation that under George Bush has been open to providing a home and opportunities for these special children in need. The United States gives a $13,000 tax credit for adopting special needs children, as opposed to the $10,000 for non-special needs adoption in recognition of the additional expense and effort the adoption of a special needs child requires. And now the United States has said that it will not presently be processing cases of these truly less fortunate children in Vietnam. And this blog and JCICS propose that one reason for denying this necessary and deserved opportunity to presently identified and specific special needs children is so that Vietnam can focus its limited resources on a new agreement.

This really is outrageous. Take a look at Ethica’s paper on why the Hague regulations will not clean up corruption in adoption in the third world. It is on their website. No new VN/US bilateral agreement will clean it up unless that agreement goes way above and beyond the Hague in regard to severe fee limitations, restrictions and complete financial oversight. Instead, any new bilateral agreement that would take place would seem to have the purpose of a temporary patch until Vietnam can implement the Hague, and could very well be less restrictive than even the grossly inadequate Hague regulations. Meanwhile, the healthy infants in Vietnam needing homes will certainly find homes in the many other countries that are currently proceeding with adoptions in Vietnam. Many people all over the world want to adopt healthy infants. But the children who are unfortunate enough to be born with special needs will not all find homes in other countries. It is the United States that has the most understanding for these kids, with programs to help them being required in the public schools and education about accepting differences being promulgated country wide.

My son was born with cleft lip and palate and has epilepsy. He has had seizures at school and has a visible difference. His public school has bent over backwards to accommodate his needs in ways that amaze me. My son will be a normal adult and will receive the best of surgery and care here so he can develop to his full potential. I shudder to think what if the doors to his adoption were closed and he had to remain in an orphanage in China for his life.

That is what we are talking about with special needs adoptions in Vietnam. These children with significant needs who have currently been matched may be denied the opportunity to come to the United States and receive care in an expedient manner. The children will grow older in the orphanage, and not receiving the care they require will further cripple them and significantly impair their chances at a healthy development and normal lives.

To say that “the reality is that each additional case that comes down the pipeline will only serve to slow down the work of implementing a new and better agreement,” is hypothetical and shows a lack of understanding for not only the gross inadequacies of the Hague regulations, but also for the serious challenges faced by special needs children, the medical research, consultation and commitment undertaken by the adoptive parents before accepting such a referral, and the ease in which special needs can be verified before US visa issuance by a blood test and medical examination. Special needs children in Vietnam deserve compassion and exceptions to the formal US/VN adoption negotiations.

International adoption has a double standard and a double face that few adoptive parents are willing to recognize. International adoption is based on the premise that less privileged societies can not take care of their own. International adoption is based on the premise that greater means = better life = more love. International adoption is full of rationalizations that promote the self-congratulatory nature of rescue and the satisfaction of contributing to a color blind world, which is a fantasy. The truth is with more support services parents in temporary distress would not relinquish their children. The truth is poor families love their children. The truth is people instantly respond to people of a different color than they do people of the same color. The truth is the little cute asian bundle of joy is going to grow up one day and realize all of the above. They may be grateful. They may love you, what choice do they have? But they’re also going to secretly be disturbed.

Potential adoptive parents say they are doing it for the children, but in all honesty, the primary locus for the vast majority of adoptions is centered on the prospective parents’ desires to complete themselves and validate their existence. This is called placing the adults’ needs above the child’s needs, and its manifestation can wreak all manner of havoc and confusion for the child. This desire, this need to have at all costs is something that needs to be deeply explored by prospective parents in terms of its healthiness to both the adoptive parents AND the child they are acquiring.

International adoption, due to the imbalance of nations, has been a ripe field for exploitation by first world countries, with little over-sight and regulation. It is a shameful and barbaric statement about our privilege when we find it unacceptable to accept unethical practices in our own country, but we can find ways to look aside or tolerate unethical practices in other countries, if it is to our benefit.

International adoption has been an experiment. An experiment that started out with good, humanitarian intentions, but that has been subverted, expanded, and capitalized upon until it has become an entitlement. It has taken many decades for the outcomes of international adoption to become evident, and because the practice continues, its constant evolution will always be decades away from clear understanding.

First world countries have been too slow to adopt ethical practices and regulate international adoption. It stands to reason supplying nations have learned from the past few decades of this experiment , have become alarmed, and no longer want to be a part of this exchange when they see the aftermath and feel the shame of exporting their babies and the mismanagement of this process. How would you feel if it were your nation on the supply end?

While I disagree with the sudden and complete withdrawal of these supplying nations and the financial and emotional heartache that can result in receiving nations, I can not fault them for finally stepping up to the plate to take a more responsible role in the welfare of their own citizens. I agree with potential adoptive parents when they say, “what about the children?” who languish in limbo post withdrawal and pre reformed social programming. That is why I believe in a ten year exit strategy instead of sudden withdrawal. However, the same criticisms can be levied on our own, wealthy nation. How can we expect to get international adoption right if we can’t even get it right in our own country? Who can trust us?

All potential adoptive parents should examine themselves thoroughly and, like any good actor ask, “what’s my motivation?” Deep honesty will pay off by eliminating much of the politicizing and polarizing. For, upon examination we should better be able to hold our desires up against what is truly in the best interests of the child. In the case of the international adoptee – it’s culture, it’s heritage, it’s place in society, something they can identify with. Many of these intangibles of when held up against a life with foreign parents with greater means are marginalized. But their value is intangible and beyond measure. International adoption is radical surgery that leaves scars on top of the given adoption scars of abandonment and loss.

And for those potential adoptive parents who absolutely think they are god’s gift to rainbow children as if what they have to offer will make all those costs to the child tolerable, to insure the availability of ethnic children, I would hope that you get in on adoption reform and the ethics bandwagon. Quickly. Otherwise, more and more countries are going to follow the lead of Vietnam, and you will be forced to deal with what you have here at home. You know – those kids who really NEED parents. The ones whose parents have really died. The ones who were abused. The ones whose parents couldn’t cope with their disabilities. The ones languishing in OUR foster homes and group homes. What about them? Did I mention something about double standards before?

I repeat: If you’re smart you’ll get in on adoption reform and support it wholeheartedly. There will be less children available, but their interests will be better looked after. It is better (from your perspective) than having the option cut off completely.

As a product of one of these transracial, intercountry adoptions, the end of international adoption would be a dream come true. I hope the adoption agencies exploiting disadvantaged people on one end and separating you from your money on the other end are exorcised out of existence, and I hope this trend towards domestic preservation continues. I’m going to continue to speak out, as more and more of my fellow adoptees do, about the realities of international adoption from the adoptee’s perspective. Our parents were not so different from you. We are not so different from the children you hope to be adopting. We didn’t ask for this. But despite better conditions, we have had to live the consequences of your decisions, and we’re the ones who are asked to adjust and we’re the ones who have to deal with all of our losses. And we don’t want any other children to have to suffer the added separation of country and culture on top of losing our mothers. We just want you to think deeply and hard about what the hell you’re doing. About your wants and your rationalizations.