You shouldn’t go away. This is one of the few places I’ve seen calm rational discourse. It is a learning place. And you seem open – don’t shut yourself off!

The things you are feeling are common to adoptive parents. Without your voice (thank God – refreshingly calm and rational) we can’t have a dialogue. We are only talking with ourselves at that point.

I REALLY appreciated your post, If Indeed.

I’m glad to know you Jena, I wish you weren’t so rare.

My current book – which contains a chapter to help PAPS avoid being scammed – is, I believe, reviewed in the current (Oct) issue of Adoption Today. RESOLVE said of my first book: “…it is recommended for those who prefer the truth, even if unpleasant, to unquestioned adoption mythology.”

And Gigi Wirtz, Families Adopting Children Everywhere (FACE) said this:
“Although not an easy book for an adoptive parent to read, this is certainly an important book for anyone striving to understand all sides of the adoption triangle. The good news (for adoptive parents) is that Riben is not slamming adoptive parents…her really big guns are leveled at The System. I recommend that adoptive parents read this book.”

I quote these not to brag, or to change any minds. I understand – that this is very upsetting for many.

And PS: Yes, my books ARE edited though my blog comments are not.

I wish you – and your children well. It is they that this is all about and it is THEM that you will have to answer you not me!

1. I would like to say “thank you” to the people responsible for this blog. Over the past 2 years, this site has provided me with tons of information (some I agree with and some I do not). If nothing else, it has created healthy debates which always gets people thinking and examining their own situations. That is always a good thing. It has definetly helped me personally.

However, over the past few days, I have felt the same as Jenny from above. I have felt accused! Additionally, I felt like I have been threatened and blamed! I have felt like I have been linked to something bad when in fact, I truely feel like I have tried to do the right thing.

2. One poster in particular, Mirah, proclaims to be an expert researcher and her own words appear to make her somehow superior to everyone else. Give me a break. She can barely put together a grammatically correct sentence or thought. I hope her book publisher provided her with an editor to assist with her lack of proper writing skills. I realize this statement is rude and possibly inappropriate–but how dare she claim to be more knowledgable and to have better intentions than the rest of us, when she hasn’t even met us. She may not have directly stated these words, but the perception was definetly implied!

3. Nobody knows my intentions except for me and God. My heart is pure and I had good intentions with my choice to build my family thru adoption. It is my guess that most people chosing to build thier families thru adoption (domestically or internationally) have pure intentions as well.

I am FAR from a celebrity adopting for unknown reasons-and to be compared to one is insulting. I am a special education teacher in a small town. I have dedicated my entire life (since I was in the 3rd grade) to working with individuals and children with severe and profound intellectual and physical disabilities. I have also volunteered for many children’s causes for many years. Several years ago realized it was time to become a mom! I chose to adopt. It was not a last resort for me and I didn’t feel I was entitled to a child. I simply knew that I had a loving, stable home and I chose to build my family this way. This in no way makes me any better than anyone else, I just wanted to tell you a little of my background. In addition, I could tell you all the conferences I have attended or spoke at and the papers I have written on special needs children but I won’t do so because it in no way make me above anyone else. This experience makes me knowledgeable in a certain field but it doesn’t make me want to accuse strangers of having certain intentions.

4. I do agree 100% agree with Mirah on one point in particular: International Adoption should be a last resort for an orphaned child. I do believe that it is best for a child to remain with his/her birth family or birth country. However, I also realize that there are instances where this cannot happen for a child. International adoption is sometimes a child’s last chance of finding a family. That is the child I was hoping to adopt!!

5. With the recent developments in Vietnam and other countries, this door has been shut for many children. For a child that international adoption is the last resort, his/her chances have no doubt diminshed. Yes, there are other countries other than USA that adopt internationally, so the child may find a family from another country….that is my hope for the children where IA is thier last chance.

6. And finally, I must admit that I will probably take a break from this site. As stated above, I am thankful for the information I have received here over the past 2 years, but I am equally saddened by the way I have felt recently after reading some posts. This decision has nothing to do with any one post, person, or reply–it is simply a personal choice. For my own sake, I must surround myself with positive thoughts and feelings. I am not saying I don’t want to hear honest (and sometimes harmful) facts. I realize that educating oneself is an important part of making decisions. However, presentation of facts are also important. Unfortunately, I have not felt that facts have been given in a constructive manner…instead I feel that angry words have been supported and encouraged. I include myself in this statement. Looking back, I see that I have occasionally typed some harmful words. I recongize that and I cannot and will not continue to be a part of it.

I wish everyone the best of luck in their future endeavors…whatever they may be. I will continue to pray for all the orpans in the world (both domestically and internationally). Every child has the right to a loving family-I hope that one day all children will feel the love of a caring family (whether it be a birth family or an adoptive family).

I am still in the process of my Vietnam adoption so I guess I take all of this to heart. What am I supposed to do with this information? Let go of my referral? I can tell you after 2 years of being in this process and all I have invested – I am unlikely to let go now. I guess that is selfish of me knowing some of what I know now.

When I started the process I guess I was extremely naive. Adoption was not a last resort for me – but I thought it made sense due to the fact that I wanted a child and there were children out there who needed homes (or so I thought). I did not feel the need to have a bio kid or add to the world population. I was not trying to “rescue” anyone. I just thought it was a simple equation that made sense. Little did I know….

The reason I chose international adoption was because I am single. I assumed that a birth mother would not choose a single woman and my agency told me that it would’ve been difficult. I have since found out that I likely could have gone this route if I was open to a wide range of circumstances. Had my VN adoption fallen through – my intention was to do a domestic adoption. But my VN adoption did not fall through.

Do I wish I could go back and make some different decisions? Sure. But realistically – I am not going to change things now. I don’t even really know if that would be best for my (older) referred child. I don’t know if she would find another home.

I will wonder and worry about all of this throughout my child’s life. I am grateful to have this information even though it is hard to take.