Comments on: The myth of the Safe Choice http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2009/05/12/the-myth-of-the-safe-choice/ A collaborative blog advocating ethics in adoption Thu, 15 Jul 2010 12:53:49 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Laurie http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2009/05/12/the-myth-of-the-safe-choice/comment-page-1/#comment-2706 Laurie Fri, 29 May 2009 17:52:14 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/?p=341#comment-2706 Ahh Janie, see that's why you aren't "getting" this blog...it's not about the *only option* for YOUR family. That international adoption was "the ONLY option" for your family does not justify ANY of the unethical practices occurring to make your "only option" a reality. I am truly sorry that you adopted out of necessity, but just because adoption was the only way to bring a child into your family does not mean we should ignore the truths that often underlie adoption practices. No one is saying your are evil for adopting. As Nicki said, most of us here are also adoptive parents. We just want ethical adoptions. Nicki - FANTASTIC post. Well written and to the point. Painful truths, but truths we need to acknowledge nonetheless. Anything else would be plain dishonesty. Ahh Janie, see that’s why you aren’t “getting” this blog…it’s not about the *only option* for YOUR family. That international adoption was “the ONLY option” for your family does not justify ANY of the unethical practices occurring to make your “only option” a reality. I am truly sorry that you adopted out of necessity, but just because adoption was the only way to bring a child into your family does not mean we should ignore the truths that often underlie adoption practices. No one is saying your are evil for adopting. As Nicki said, most of us here are also adoptive parents. We just want ethical adoptions.

Nicki – FANTASTIC post. Well written and to the point. Painful truths, but truths we need to acknowledge nonetheless. Anything else would be plain dishonesty.

]]> By: Sally http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2009/05/12/the-myth-of-the-safe-choice/comment-page-1/#comment-2683 Sally Tue, 26 May 2009 13:07:11 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/?p=341#comment-2683 I think there are ethical issues with wealthier families adopting from poor families if the sole issue for relinquishing the child is poverty. I think the bigger ethical issue is that the child must truly be an orphan within the USCIS definition -- and be legally fully relinquished by the parent's own informed desire, with a waiting period to change their mind, before an international adoption plan is considered for the child. I don't know if a child with two married parents can legally be considered an orphan. I think there are ethical issues with wealthier families adopting from poor families if the sole issue for relinquishing the child is poverty. I think the bigger ethical issue is that the child must truly be an orphan within the USCIS definition — and be legally fully relinquished by the parent’s own informed desire, with a waiting period to change their mind, before an international adoption plan is considered for the child. I don’t know if a child with two married parents can legally be considered an orphan.

]]> By: Janie http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2009/05/12/the-myth-of-the-safe-choice/comment-page-1/#comment-2680 Janie Tue, 26 May 2009 04:04:18 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/?p=341#comment-2680 I'm so over this blog and this is the last time I'm visiting it. Adoption isn't a 'safe option' it's an 'only option' for some, including my family and I will not continue to read from the people here who are hell bent on making people feel guilty for doing it. I’m so over this blog and this is the last time I’m visiting it. Adoption isn’t a ’safe option’ it’s an ‘only option’ for some, including my family and I will not continue to read from the people here who are hell bent on making people feel guilty for doing it.

]]> By: Mei-Ling http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2009/05/12/the-myth-of-the-safe-choice/comment-page-1/#comment-2658 Mei-Ling Fri, 22 May 2009 17:08:07 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/?p=341#comment-2658 My question is: hypothetically if an adoptive parent knows about the child's biological parents, *knows* the parents want to keep and raise the child but just need a little financial help to do so - and are fully aware that they possess the privilege to either adopt OR "return" the child to the people who want to raise said child... Is that ethical? If they are advantaged through financial means and use that to ensure the adoption goes through - based on purely good intentions BUT also knowing the other parents were disadvantaged - then where is the issue of unethical means? Or does that not exist? My question is: hypothetically if an adoptive parent knows about the child’s biological parents, *knows* the parents want to keep and raise the child but just need a little financial help to do so – and are fully aware that they possess the privilege to either adopt OR “return” the child to the people who want to raise said child…

Is that ethical?
If they are advantaged through financial means and use that to ensure the adoption goes through – based on purely good intentions BUT also knowing the other parents were disadvantaged – then where is the issue of unethical means? Or does that not exist?

]]> By: Ruby http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2009/05/12/the-myth-of-the-safe-choice/comment-page-1/#comment-2645 Ruby Sat, 16 May 2009 15:37:51 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/?p=341#comment-2645 Great post. We adopted internationally, and would hate for both children and parents to lose that option. We started looking at an Eastern European country, then looked domestically due to the cost and many travel uncertainties, and had the state pretty much scare us off from pursuing the domestic route. I say shame on them for that; they were trying to make sure that people understood the worst case scenarios, I think, but we and a couple we left the info session with both ended up meeting again while pursuing an international adoption with a private agency and in talking with them, learned that they had the same impression we did. So we went to China, where my son's birth information will never be known, but where his last name indicates the year of his admittance to the Beijing orphanage and every boy admitted in that year shares that same last name-so he does have a family of origin, of sorts, and we have a very tight yahoo! group just for parents who adopted from Beijing. Great post. We adopted internationally, and would hate for both children and parents to lose that option.

We started looking at an Eastern European country, then looked domestically due to the cost and many travel uncertainties, and had the state pretty much scare us off from pursuing the domestic route. I say shame on them for that; they were trying to make sure that people understood the worst case scenarios, I think, but we and a couple we left the info session with both ended up meeting again while pursuing an international adoption with a private agency and in talking with them, learned that they had the same impression we did.

So we went to China, where my son’s birth information will never be known, but where his last name indicates the year of his admittance to the Beijing orphanage and every boy admitted in that year shares that same last name-so he does have a family of origin, of sorts, and we have a very tight yahoo! group just for parents who adopted from Beijing.

]]> By: Mei-Ling http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2009/05/12/the-myth-of-the-safe-choice/comment-page-1/#comment-2637 Mei-Ling Thu, 14 May 2009 20:32:06 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/?p=341#comment-2637 "Why is it selfish to prefer an international adoption partly to avoid the birth family at a later date." Why does one want to avoid them in the first place? They're not monsters. They shouldn't be people that you fear - they create the children who are being ADOPTED. Shouldn't that garner at least a little respect for the women who probably did not have a "real" choice? "It’s simply a choice that is available to those who chose international adoption. It’s not as if the parents would not feel sorry for the child who can never know their birth mother." I'm sorry, I strongly disagree. I have many, many adoptive parents who comment on my blog about how they wish their child could know their China mommies as it would help the children have even more of a self-positive image and answer questions about their pasts. “Why is it selfish to prefer an international adoption partly to avoid the birth family at a later date.”

Why does one want to avoid them in the first place? They’re not monsters. They shouldn’t be people that you fear – they create the children who are being ADOPTED. Shouldn’t that garner at least a little respect for the women who probably did not have a “real” choice?

“It’s simply a choice that is available to those who chose international adoption. It’s not as if the parents would not feel sorry for the child who can never know their birth mother.”

I’m sorry, I strongly disagree. I have many, many adoptive parents who comment on my blog about how they wish their child could know their China mommies as it would help the children have even more of a self-positive image and answer questions about their pasts.

]]> By: sarah http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2009/05/12/the-myth-of-the-safe-choice/comment-page-1/#comment-2636 sarah Thu, 14 May 2009 19:35:56 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/?p=341#comment-2636 There are other reasons that parents chose international adoption beyond the "safe option". That was not the reason that I chose international adoption. Like it or not - my child has no known birth family. There is nothing I can do about that. Perhaps we can do some kind of search for them - but with little to go on - we may never find them. I wish that we could for her sake. There are other reasons that parents chose international adoption beyond the “safe option”. That was not the reason that I chose international adoption. Like it or not – my child has no known birth family. There is nothing I can do about that. Perhaps we can do some kind of search for them – but with little to go on – we may never find them. I wish that we could for her sake.

]]> By: Margie http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2009/05/12/the-myth-of-the-safe-choice/comment-page-1/#comment-2634 Margie Thu, 14 May 2009 14:42:13 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/?p=341#comment-2634 Excellent, so well written, Nicki. The five truths you list are at the root of all the debate, and boy do I wish people could come together across these! More discussion on this issue can be found in two posts about intercountry adoption at New York Times Room for Debate - both, especially the comments, are interesting: http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/10/celebrity-adoptions-and-the-real-world/ http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/13/adoption-ideology-and-reality Also, I'm glad Nick posted his thoughts. I absolutely thought like you, Nick, when my husband and I adopted our first child (who is Korean) in 1989. What I had heard about mothers in US domestic adoption was largely shaped by myth and the media, and flew right out the window when our son arrived. Our children's families aren't people to avoid, they're people we most of all should embrace. I will be forever regretful that I didn't figure this out in time to forge connections. Thanks again Nicki! Excellent, so well written, Nicki. The five truths you list are at the root of all the debate, and boy do I wish people could come together across these!

More discussion on this issue can be found in two posts about intercountry adoption at New York Times Room for Debate – both, especially the comments, are interesting:
http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/10/celebrity-adoptions-and-the-real-world/
http://roomfordebate.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/13/adoption-ideology-and-reality

Also, I’m glad Nick posted his thoughts. I absolutely thought like you, Nick, when my husband and I adopted our first child (who is Korean) in 1989. What I had heard about mothers in US domestic adoption was largely shaped by myth and the media, and flew right out the window when our son arrived. Our children’s families aren’t people to avoid, they’re people we most of all should embrace. I will be forever regretful that I didn’t figure this out in time to forge connections.

Thanks again Nicki!

]]> By: Who am I to shy away? « Faith, Hope and Love…. http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2009/05/12/the-myth-of-the-safe-choice/comment-page-1/#comment-2631 Who am I to shy away? « Faith, Hope and Love…. Thu, 14 May 2009 04:50:27 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/?p=341#comment-2631 [...] in the adoption world. I have read three very well written blog posts regarding the article: The Myth of the Safe Choice by Nicki over at VVAI (Voices for Vietnam Adoption Integrity), Thoughts on EJ Graff by Julie Corby [...] [...] in the adoption world. I have read three very well written blog posts regarding the article: The Myth of the Safe Choice by Nicki over at VVAI (Voices for Vietnam Adoption Integrity), Thoughts on EJ Graff by Julie Corby [...]

]]> By: kristine http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/2009/05/12/the-myth-of-the-safe-choice/comment-page-1/#comment-2629 kristine Thu, 14 May 2009 02:27:45 +0000 http://www.adoptionintegrity.com/?p=341#comment-2629 Nick, We disagree on this. My husband and I want domestic or Ethiopia so that our child, if at all possible will know their family. The birth family is family. That's just the way I see it. We did not consider any country where we wouldn't have a chance to know who the family is and failing that (in a case where a child is abandoned) than at least know where they were from. This is a fundamental need for all people. To know their origin. I cannot imagine not allowing my child to know as much as possible about their family. The adoptive parents would feel sorry for the child? I'm not sure how that helps the child in any way at all. Who wants people feeling sorry for them? How is that healthy? Also, I do not think being a parent is a fundamental right. It is a honor. Not everyone gets to raise children. For the honor we should be willing to do what is best for the child. Not what is most comfortable or easiest for ourselves. Anything less than that is selfish. Nick, We disagree on this. My husband and I want domestic or Ethiopia so that our child, if at all possible will know their family. The birth family is family. That’s just the way I see it. We did not consider any country where we wouldn’t have a chance to know who the family is and failing that (in a case where a child is abandoned) than at least know where they were from. This is a fundamental need for all people. To know their origin. I cannot imagine not allowing my child to know as much as possible about their family.
The adoptive parents would feel sorry for the child? I’m not sure how that helps the child in any way at all. Who wants people feeling sorry for them? How is that healthy?
Also, I do not think being a parent is a fundamental right. It is a honor. Not everyone gets to raise children. For the honor we should be willing to do what is best for the child. Not what is most comfortable or easiest for ourselves.
Anything less than that is selfish.

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